Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
