I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
