My friends, they love my intelligence
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
