I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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