All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
