i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
