shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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