also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
