I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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