I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
