I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
