her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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