I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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