Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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