I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
