I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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