Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
