I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
