so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
