She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I enjoy the company of your penis
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
