his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
