make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
