Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
