This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize