The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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