So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
