I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
