But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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