i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
