I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
