I showed him my bush... on skype.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
