i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
