Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
