Is it normal to miss your booty call?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
