life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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