my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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