Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
