you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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