Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
