I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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