It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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