why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
