Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
