Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize