Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
you had me at cake vodka
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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