So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize