i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I could have mohawked her pubes.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
