is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
