We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She's the barista slut.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
