Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I believe in your delicious
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
