Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
