I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
