its not stalking. its research.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
