no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
