just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
