he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
