I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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