: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
