We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
