It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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