i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
